Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but what most of us don’t realize is that the arguments and misunderstandings we experience are often just the tip of the iceberg. Beneath the surface of conflictual communication lie subtle and deeply powerful forces that drive our reactivity and behavior. These forces are rarely taught in schools or addressed in everyday life, yet they play a critical role in the dynamics of every relationship. Understanding them is essential for making informed decisions about whether to stay, work on the relationship, or move forward on your own.

One of these forces is the impact of unmet childhood needs. As children, we all have fundamental emotional requirements: love, security, safety, peace, involvement, acceptance, validation and empathy. When those needs go unfulfilled—whether due to neglect, overprotection, or even well-meaning but flawed parenting—we carry those unmet needs into adulthood. In relationships, we often unconsciously seek to fill those voids through our partners. This can create unrealistic expectations or lead to a sense of disappointment when our partner inevitably falls short.

Another hidden driver of conflict is the set of beliefs we form about ourselves,  shaped by our families, cultures, and societal norms. These beliefs can range from “I must always be perfect to be loved” to “My needs aren’t as important as others’.” These kinds of internalized and repressive messages influence how we perceive our worth, interpret our partner’s actions, and approach challenges in the relationship. Left unexamined, these beliefs can lead to misunderstandings and emotional disconnects that perpetuate conflict.

Our personal reactivity patterns also play a significant role in how conflict unfolds. These patterns are our automatic emotional and behavioral responses to certain triggers, which are often rooted in past experiences. For example, if you experienced criticism or rejection in your formative years, you might react defensively to even mild feedback from your partner. Understanding these patterns is not about assigning blame but about recognizing how your own history influences the present dynamic.

A key yet overlooked force is the competitive paradigm that exists in many relationships. Society teaches us, implicitly or explicitly, to approach life with a sense of competition—seeking to “win” arguments, prove ourselves right, or assert dominance. This dynamic erodes our relationships over time, turning partners into adversaries rather than allies. Shifting to a collaborative paradigm, where both individuals feel valued and heard, is vital for fostering connection.

The lack of education about these forces leaves many people feeling lost and unprepared when faced with relational struggles. Most of us don’t learn about the profound impact of our childhood experiences, societal conditioning, or reactive tendencies until we’re already in the thick of conflict. But gaining this understanding is a game-changer. It allows you to step back and see the bigger picture, to recognize that many conflicts aren’t about who’s “right” or “wrong” but about working as a team to grow in ways that can heal each other’s unmet needs.

By uncovering these hidden forces and learning how they influence your relationship, you can approach conflict with greater empathy and self-awareness. You’ll begin to see arguments not as insurmountable barriers but as opportunities to understand yourself and your partner on a deeper level. This knowledge equips you to make thoughtful, informed decisions about the future of your relationship—decisions rooted in clarity and a genuine understanding of the forces at play. Whether you choose to rebuild with your partner or embark on a new path, this awareness will serve as a powerful foundation for healthier, more fulfilling connections moving forward.

Every couple I speak with will tell me that better communication is the thing that they need, and they are not wrong. But in addition they need to understand the hidden forces so that they can change the relationship patterns with our new better communication skills. But honestly, the biggest issue is our attitude. Lets talk about the attitude we need to transform.